Joke Thread

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Postby Witzzard on Mon May 01, 2006 9:58 am

Okay, a small joke i tried to translate from german into english, hope it's unterstandable...:

Fritzchen school got a new young and very hot new female teacher. So every boy in the class got a crush on her. It's gettting warmer and warmer, and so she begun to wear light dresses, like skirts and tops with short arms.
Some day she begun to wrote something on the chalkboard with her right hand. Suddenly Fritzchen started to shout: "Our Mrs. teacher got shaved under her right arm!", the teacher answered that this was rude and that he should go home, because she didn't want to see him any longer this day.
So Fritzchen went home and wasn't really angry about the free time he won...
The next day, the new teacher wrote something with her left hand on the chalkboard, and Fritzchen suddenly shouted: "Our teachers also got shaved under her left arm!!", the teacher starting to get angry answered him, that she now get enough of him for the week and that he should went home. And that she would inform his parents.
Fritzchen had 3 wonderful days off, and was happy about this time.
Monday Fritzchen got back to school and all was going well until the fourth lesson. The teacher wanted to write something on the board, but suddenly the chalk piece broke and fall to the floor. So she bowed down to grab the chalk. "Thats it, boys" Fritzchen said to his friends, grabbed his satchel. "I see you again next year"
A german poem (part) by myself

Ich dacht’ ich war dir nah,
doch warst du niemals wirklich da.
Dacht ich hätte dich verstanden,
doch hat dieses Verstehen nie bestanden. [...]
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Postby Bloodthirsty on Mon May 01, 2006 11:04 pm

Ha, ha.

Nice one :)
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Postby Witzzard on Wed May 03, 2006 6:23 am

http://brain.yubb.de/ <- sorry, but it's german, but i think it's damn funny... *still searching for an english version*

Okay, just translating as good as i can do...
--- Translation finished (may contain errors)

This is the official site of brain.exe. Here you will find all informations about brain.exe, the requirements and also the exclusive download.

[Informationen zu Brain.exe] Informations about Brain.exe
Brain.exe is enourmos popular. It dosen't matter if PC-Rookie, normal PC user or Power PC user, for all of them brain.exe shoult be available.

Brain.exe protects you for viruses like no other program. For the integrated filter there are daily updattes. Even unknown version of viruses can be filtered out by brain.exe. The programm seperates spam mails from normal mails and reaches a qoute of 99.9% effectivity. However, this value can be only reached if the program is daily upgraded. Brain.exe is also a firewall. It prevents that harmful programms are installed or that things are things get spy out wich should stay privat.

The configuration of brain.exe is pretty simple: Brain.exe looks up wich programms are installed on the harddisk and analyses, with the help of a global Databank, wich programms are allowed to connect to the internet and wich programs are granted access to the local machine.

You start it and you're PC is protectet, as simple as program can be.

[Systemvorraussetzung] Systems requirements:
Despite the amount of features, the requirments are made as low, as it could be done. Brain.exe should run under all OperatingSystems in every version with all system configuarations. Brain.exe is international and can be used world wide for free. Even in the smallest country brain.exe is available, and get used a lot. Thereby brain.exe notices the local language and set itself to it. It's sound crazy, but it's true!

Brrain.exe can be used regardless the circumstances. Over 6 billions downloads can't be lying.

[Usermeinungen] User comments/Opinions

Markus R. (28) from Düsseldorf:
I'm IT specialist, and for me it will allways be the best. Because it's for the security of my clients (costomers). Some time ago i used to suggest Kaspersky Antivirus to my costomers.
But then i get to know brain.exe and i never want to miss it again. It's so easy, so powerfull. There's nothing better then brain.exe

Sebastian W. (22) from Flensburg:
I only use my computer for writing emails and surfing sometimes. So far i had one porgram for viruses, one as firewall and one for filtering spam mails. Configurating all these programms wasn't that easy and it was very time-consuming.
Then i get to know brain.exe. I hadn't had to do something during the installation and hadn't to care about anything myself anylonger. It simply ran and the computer was perfectly protected. Since then i can surf without worrying. Thank you brain.exe!

Isabell G. (24) from Kaisershagen:
Today there are enough viruses, spam and attacks coming in from the internet. I was allways keen on test winners like kasperskym Zone Alarm or Spamihilator.
But then i got to know brain.exe. The programm was presented as insider program on sites like chip.de , zdnet.de, heise.de [german sites mainly about computer]. And i never saw such a powerful programm before. So easy in configuration but that powerful. Even if - to my knowledge - it never get explicit tested, i can say from my experience that you should give it a chance. You won't regret it.

Nägelus Business PC Solutions from Fulda:
A corporation can't afford errors (faults). Too many customers and references are at stake. In our intern network we tested brain.exe and we were suprised. Even we didn't suspect such a good programm.
Since this moment we suggest our costumers the brain.exe softwarepaket.

[Download] download
At the moment brain.exe is available as version 1.0, unfortunately a software update isn't in sight. But the final version of the program is that perfect, that it dosen't need any softwareupdate. Only the definition lists are daily filled with new informations. These informationen are daily accesable without any costs and it's as easy as visiting some newssite.

Here's the exclusive download [the text from the link will be under the rest of the translation ;) ]

[Bugs] Bugs
If brain.exe isn't running, there can be two reasons for it:

1. There's a critical system error "Brain<->Interface not found by User", this is a very rare reason.
2. After some time the capability of brain.exe decreases. But this only happens after about 50 years of runtime. Because lot of new informations and updates it might come to a point where brain.exe don't work correct any longer.
Brain.exe shut itselves down after around 78 years with the following message: "Brain.exe - EOL".

[The Download Page:]
Download impossible

Attention, during wrong usage of the software, hardware might take damage, this can have different reasons:

1. You didn't read the text.
2. You didn't unterstand the text.
3. You lack a elementally system requirement for brain.exe. Please reboot your life and take care for a correct installation.
---
Have a nice day
A german poem (part) by myself

Ich dacht’ ich war dir nah,
doch warst du niemals wirklich da.
Dacht ich hätte dich verstanden,
doch hat dieses Verstehen nie bestanden. [...]
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Postby .neo.styles on Wed May 03, 2006 4:03 pm

How do Chinese parents name their kids?

The parents take a couple of dishes with them and head upstairs. They reach the top of the stairs and throw the dishes downstairs.

"CHING!!! CHONG!!!"

===============================================
LEARN TO SPEAK CHINESE...

Ai Bang Mai Ne I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat You need a face lift
Dum Gai A stupid person
Gun Pao Der An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding We have reason to believe you are harboring a
fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia Approach me
Lao Ze Sho Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi Not very good
Lin Ching An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding Achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne A small horse
Ten Ding Ba Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting There is no reason to raise your voice
Si-Ling Fan A device to keep you cool
Sum Dum Fuk Irritating drivers
==============================================
COKE:
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ku-kou-ko-le. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "Bite the wax tadpole" or "Female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect.
Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "Ke-kou-ke-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."


PEPSI
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."


KFC
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "Finger- lickin' good" came out as "Eat your fingers off."
==============================================
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
=============================================
:lol:
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Postby Roberticus on Thu Jul 13, 2006 9:11 am

I just had to post this vid as soon as I saw it... Funny :P
(The first suitable thread I found)
http://evolutionplus.net/weekender_scottbrown_alarm.mpg

Now that's a nice smoke detector... ;)
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Postby .neo.styles on Tue Jul 18, 2006 2:15 am

No offense is intended by any of the following.


Who here would have guessed that the letters in "Nosferatu" can be rearranged to spell :
-on raft sue

-on raft use

-of rant sue (I'll keep this one in mind ;))

-no raft sue :lol:

-no raft use

-fuse no rat

-fuse no tar (LMFAO)

-fur on seat (LOL)

-fur not sea

-fret no USA <====

-fetus on ra (ra is an egyptian god lol)

-feast or UN

-fear ton us (lol)

-fear not us

-fan tore US

-ears fun to (LOL)

-as fun tore

-arse nut of <= hahaha

-anus ref to <= DAHAHAHA

-an fetus or

-a font user <=== neato :)

-fear nut OS

-fear snout

-fat sore UN (ROTFLMFAO!!)

-fat on user

-fart one us

-fart no sue <==== Hahaha ;)

-far OS tune

The letters in "Kilt Gaston" can be rearranged to spell :
-ask log tint (think about it for a couple seconds)

-ask long tit

-at log stink

-gas kilo TNT

-gas kilt not (LOL!)

-go knit salt (hahah)

-go lank tits (Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!)

-go klans tit

-goat ln skit

-got ink last

-got lan skit 8)

-it log stank (cave man reporting on a porta-potty lol)

-its log tank

-ko lang tits

-slaking tot (;))

The letters in "Roberticus" can be rearnaged to spell :
-BS curie rot

-BS or uretic

-bruce riots

-CB our rites

-erotic urbs (hahah)

(there was more but it all sucked)


The letters in "Napoli" can spell :
-oil pan



:lol:


The letters in "Razord" can't spell crap.

"icarus" has no anagrams either.


Here are he anagrams of "Ghostface"
-ago CS heft

-CS fagot he <====== Hahahahahahahahaha!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: I haven't laughed so hard in a long time!

-CS fog hate

-CS eh fagot <======== Bwahahahahahahahahah!!!!

-cot fag she <=LOL



"Vampiress" has the following anagrams :
-am piss rev <=== hahaha

-am rv spies

-as pm rives (do PM me ;))

-as sperm vi <--- Hehe

-er iv spasm (sounds like a statement top me :lol:)

-i sperm vas <======== :wink:

-is pm saver 8)


-iv ma press (never knew she worked for the New York Times)

-mae piss rv <=== LOOLZ

-sperm visa <==== Hahahhaha
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Re: Joke Thread

Postby ashtonfarell on Wed Feb 03, 2010 12:16 pm

Here my funny joke.

Doctor implants a New Ear to a man.

Man: You idiot, you gave me a woman's ear

Doctor: It makes no difference

Man: It does,Now I hear everything

but understand nothing
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